Red Balloons
by rsb57
Summary: Missing scenes from the episode GILLIAN.  Told from Hutch's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY PART OF STARSKY AND HUTCH FRANCHISE. THE FOLLOWING IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **This story is set around the episode **GILLIAN.** I started out intending to do just one missing scene. But two things happened. I wondered if Hutch would have ever found out that Starsky knew about Gillian, when he knew it and if there would have been any hard feelings or arguments when Hutch became aware of it. And I wanted to explore when Starsky got the chance, exactly how much of what he knew he would share with Hutch.

I also became obsessed with the image that Gillian mentioned about the red balloons and expecting them to break but not wanting their idyllic life to change. The images of the red balloons are carried out throughout the story. This is my interpretation of how all that affected the story. Hutch's POV.

TYDB

---------

Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon

Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon

We could float among the stars together, you and I

For we can fly we can fly Up, up and away My beautiful,

my beautiful balloon The world's a nicer place

in my beautiful balloon

**WORDS AND MUSIC -UP UP AND AWAY- BY THE FIFTH DIMENSION**

-------------

I knew she was the girl for me. Or rather she was the woman for me. She wasn't like the bubble headed bodies I had been dating.

They were for entertainment only.

Gillian was a woman. She was beautiful, intelligent and had a wonderful sense of humor. We were meant for each other. Yeah she was sexy too. A head full of blond hair that was so silky. She had everything I ever wanted in a companion, in a soul mate. In bed it was only the two of us. The rest of the world didn't matter. She cared about me. She cared about pleasing me. But I wanted to please her as well. This wasn't just a one night stand. When we made love, it had meaning and purpose. I could say with the touch of my hand, with the weight of my body, what I couldn't find the words to say.

I never thought she'd really want to go bowling. But she said she'd meet Starsky and me at the alley. I had a weird pleasure in getting her shoes for her. It felt so intimate to know her shoe size. I felt myself blushing when I asked for an 11 for me and when I said I'd also need a 7 1/2, I had to fight with my body's reaction. I felt betrayed, like everyone knew I was in love. But I still couldn't say the word. Not out loud but in every sense, I knew I loved Gillian.

There, my world is in color again. Gillian is here. The perfect picture of the most complete lover I've ever had. She mentions the dream she had about a white room full of balloons. I knew they'd be red. But she was scared that what we had wouldn't last, that the balloons would break. All of the sudden, I saw such sadness in her eyes but I knew those balloons wouldn't dare to break or even lose the air that kept them afloat. I felt like a teenager in love for the first time. Maybe that's the truth. I'd had relationships before but always felt them lacking in one area or another. But not with Gillian. I took her face in my hands and we were alone. Never mind Starsky trying to teach Nancy to bowl. Never mind the crash and connection of the balls to the pins. Never mind the other people whooping and hollering over a silly game. My world, my prize was in my arms.

In the midst of my new love affair, Starsky and I were involved in crimes down in porno row. Our friend Lonely was killed for a few dollars while he did nothing but do his job. He had a little job but it gave him big satisfaction to clean and to make money. But thugs dropped him without caring about who he was or that he was no threat to them. It was done just to make a point.

--------

I could hardly contain myself. Gillian and I had spent the night together and now all I could do was smile a wide, satisfied grin. The afterglow stayed with me even as I was sitting in Starsky's car, eating my toast and milk. Another day to investigate the problems down in the porno shops.

It seemed wrong to be with Starsky headed to investigate another complaint in Porno row and be so damn happy. But I felt like singing. Instead, as we raced toward our destination, I greeted Starsky with a silly salute to wish him a great morning. When he told me that he thought Gillian was quite a lady, I couldn't help but take credit for that statement. I felt proud that Starsky liked her.

Once at our destination, we stopped by the ambulance and noticed Mickey on the stretcher.

"He's got a concusion but we don't know how bad it is." The ambulance guy gives us a brief report. We'd seen these guys way too often down in this part of town lately.

Huggy wants us to know that his friends need help. They need help before everyone ends up like Mickey and Lonely.

"Hey guys! This is all because of a dude named Grossman and his mother." Huggy continues his conversation while we process this information about an unhealthy sounding mother and son team.

"A guy involved in this stuff with his mother?" Starsky is totally freaked out at that thought. It's more than either one of us wish we had to deal with.

"Where can we find this lovely pair" I ask because it's our job to follow up and stop all of this before anyone else gets hurt. But truth be told, I'm as disgusted by it all as Starsky. We've seen so much during our time on the streets that it takes a lot to surprise either one of us. But a mother and her son selling porno, involved in murder with intent to overthrow the smaller businesses? Too much to think about.

So we make our way to Grossman's massage parlor. Starsky's complaining about his shoulder.

"It hurts every 8 or 9 years, whenever I bowl!" Starsky grumbles his answer to my question. He was rubbing his shoulder and flexing the arm. Maybe it was more than bowling. Maybe it was the lingering remnants of an old injury a few years ago. But he'd never tell me exactly what was going on. If he could blame it on something like bowling, then that's all the information I'd get. But I let it go as we entered the musky smelling room. A young girl with great legs, came on to Starsky, promising him that she could fix his aches and pains. Starsky stood and stared. Taken in by her healthy body and soft aproach, I saw him hesitate. I let him know we had work to do, so reluctantly, he followed. But I could tell he was still considering her offer. She still had eyes for Starsky as she pointed us in the direction down the hall when we asked to speak to Grossman.

We walked into the office and were greeted by a little old lady and a slimy looking man. Mother and son.

'_don't think too much about that Hutcinson.' _I willed myself to think of these two as any other business owners and Starsky and I were there only for information. I just didn't want too much information.

"We have a nice little business here. Toys is all we sell. I do the books myself.", said the little blue haired lady. She went on to reassure us that it was all legitamate. Even the massage parlor was harmless fun.

Meanwhile, Al, her son, kept his eyes glued to us. He wanted to strike out when we questioned his mother's morals. But sonny was a good boy and listened to his mother as she reprimanded him and told him to back off.

I really wanted out of there and go take a shower. I felt it was just wrong what we had just witnessed.

As we moved back through the reception area, Starsky winced again as he stretched his shoulder out.

"Hey, Hutch, maybe that girl really can do something to help my shoulder." Starsky looked to me for approval. Hey, if it would help him be more comfortable, I was all for getting him what he needed.

"I'll wait in the car Starsk. Go see if she can help."

I walked back out to the car and stood just watching the world go by. The weather seemed particularly nice. No smog, just clear bright sunlight. It wasn't even too hot. I guess I really had it bad. I was bitten. I was in love.

Starsk came back out pretty quick. He made a dash to the driver's side and jumped in behind the wheel. It wasn't until I got in and he'd started the engine that he finally spoke.

"I couldn't find her. I'll just use a heating pad tonight." He seemed so distracted. Either his shoulder hurt more than he wanted me to know or he was really disappointed that the curvy blond wasn't available.

_**In that white room, filled with red balloons , one red balloon just broke.**_

_**But if no one is there to see it, does it make a sound? Does it deflate or **__**lessen it's meaning?**_


	2. Chapter 2

**RED BALLOONS**

**CHAPTER TWO**

We got another call about a problem down in the porn area. We took off running and I followed Starsky. The chase was useless because of me.

Well I fucked it up. Starsky and me had a real shot at apprehending the guys involved in all the mayhem down here. We took off after them into an alley. They dove for cover and started shooting. All of the sudden I froze. I couldn't think past how scared I was. Starsky did what he does best and I should have followed and been available. But I hid. It might have looked like I was taking cover until my partner and I figured out who would go where. But I was damn scared. I crouched behind those boxes and I couldn't move. My heart was pounding in my ears and I just wanted to puke. Gillian. All I could think about was her sweet, sexy smile and I couldn't see anything else. My heart hurt for fear that I would die and never see her beautiful eyes or feel her hands on my skin again. Starsky's voice was a long way off and I couldn't see because of the sweat running down into my eyes. But something broke through and I knew my partner needed me.

But we were too late. We, or rather,I, hesitated too long and they took advantage of indecision. They went out shooting and made a break for it.

Starsky tried to be understanding. Particularly when he saw that I was sitting on the ground, holding my gun, my head down. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking.

"Hey, your shaking." The words cut like a knife through me. He was offering me his kindness, his understanding. But damn, those words hurt.

"I didn't work the way we work. I didn't f-f-follow up like we do Starsk!" There's that stupid stutter. Only when I'm really stressed and scared does that childish stutter appear. I wanted the alley to swallow me up whole and save me from the supportive, caring look Starsky offered.

We walked out of that alley together but I knew Starsky was ready to jump on me about how I'd screwed up. I deserved it. I didn't understand it myself. The first time I'd ever not been able to do my job. Was Gillian so much a part of me that I put her in front of my partner? Did I want to protect myself so much that...

"So what happened back there?" I looked up and was surprised to find myself sitting in the Torino and Starsky was staring at me. He looked at me like it was the second time he'd asked me that question. The blue in his eyes was a dark navy color. I knew that meant he was mad.

"Sorry. I let my mind wander and all of the sudden, I couldn't move. I was afraid I'd get hurt. That's bullshit! I could've got you in real trouble."

Starsky leaned toward me and put his hand on my knee. I flinched because I knew I didn't deserve such understanding. He should be knocking my block off about now. But not Starsky. He understood even if I didn't.

"It's okay Hutch. Nothing happened. Nothing bad could ever happen to us. You pulled your head outta your ass in time. But we'll catch those goons another time. Just keep yourself focused on me and we'll both be okay. But remember, you got two lives you have to balance pal. When you're with me, you're mine. When you're with Gillian, you're hers. That's all I'm saying."

Starsky moved his hand back to the ignition and turned the key. He didn't say another word until we got to the station.

Meanwhile, I'm still shaking and I just want Starsky to yell, scream, hell even hit me for being so stupid. We are partners. We watch each other's back. But I didn't this time. Starsky could have been injured or killed. Hell, I could have been injured. I put us both in danger.

We make our way back to the precinct. Starsky is unusually quiet the whole way there. He keeps looking over at me but I just stare out the window. I feel his eyes on me but I don't deserve the contact he's willing to offer. We pull into the parking garage and Starsky turns the engine off. Seconds turn into longer when he doesn't move and I still can't bear to look at him. I haul myself out and suddenly, over the hood of the car, his eyes grab me and I'm forced to meet his gaze. I know I won't like what I see there but I can't look away. There is a mixture of disappointment and sadness staring back at me. I understand the disappointment but the sadness? Why do I detect that he feels sorry for me?

_**In the white room, a series of red balloons burst. No one believes **__**or understands the meaning. **_


	3. Chapter 3

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story does contain adult language. Please be advised to moderate your reading. **

**Thank You.**

**RED BALLOONS**

**CHAPTER THREE**

-----------------

In silence, we walk up the steps to the precinct. I watch my feet as they somehow lift and get me further up the steps. I feel so heavy. Heavy with shame I guess that I screwed up so bad. Starsky's in front of me but he's doing his usual bounce and jog up the steps. He holds the door as we enter the squad room. Immediately the phone rings and Starsky grabs it.

Starsky's phone call causes him to go off to run an errand. He looked like he couldn't wait to get away from me. Can I blame him? In a way that's my punishment, to stay here and write up a report about a confrontation that I never saw. What did he tell me to do with it? Fix it up? Yeah, right. I have to try and explain why we didn't catch the guys or even get a look at them. I start writing but don't know what the hell to say. Do I put as a footnote that Kenneth Hutchinson whimped out because he had his girlfriend on his mind instead of protecting and focusing on his partner? Do I turn myself into IA and confess that I abandoned my partner?

Why did Starsky have to be so nice about it? I saw the anger in his eyes. So why didn't he act on it? Is it because he saw something in me that caused him to change his mind? That damn connection thing we have betrayed me. He saw something and he knew. He knew I was a basket case already and he backed off. But it was more than that. He looked into my eyes and saw more than I would ever be able to say. What is it that people say about us? That we've got a psychic bond? Yeah, we can read each other like a book out on the streets.

I gotta get back to this report. How many of them were there? Two? Three? Where'd the chase begin? Why were we chasing them? I don't know a damn thing about what went down in that alley. The only thing I know for sure is that I let my partner down.

After an hour of staring at the lines on a blank report, I look up. Starsky still isn't back. I've got to do this report. I've got to have something to show the Captain. How do I fill in the details when I don't know what that is? Dobey will never believe me if the report is so vague that it's more like a rookie filled out his first report.

Shit. Starsky left me to do the report on purpose. He wouldn't put down on paper what really happened so now I've got to embellish on something that should have been routine. I'm the one that screwed up an ordinary, no hassle chase, so he left it to me to explain the whole thing. Easier said than done. I guess instead of jumping down my throat, he's leaving me to face Dobey and this report. Smart guy that Starsky.

Okay, I can do this. _We chased several suspects who had just robbed a porno store. They were believed to be the same team who had been causing problems in the same area all week._

Okay that satisfies the question of who we were chasing and why.

Next, just fill in the blanks regarding the shootout and I'm home free.

_Starsky and myself chased them on foot into an alley. They started shooting at us but managed to allude our efforts to flush them out_.

_Gun fire was exchanged, however, no direct contact made with suspects._

There, that should satisfy Dobey. Put the report on his desk and I'm outta here. The hell with Starsky. The hell with understanding and friendship. I just blew my reputation because I let my feelings divert me from my job. But believe me, it won't happen again. I will never put Starsky in danger again.

Starsky never did come back so I figured he needed a break from me. Well, I needed time too. Time to figure out how to make peace with myself. I wish I could take the last few hours back and make it up to Starsky but it'll be okay. Neither one of us ever holds a grudge. I need to get my mind off this day and think about tonight. I'm off duty so my soul belongs to Gillian now. I'm going later to her place for dinner and maybe we need to talk about us. At least I need to.

We lived for the moment in a bubble of love that kept us together and I was convinced that our love would be enough to keep us from harm. She saw those balloons as vulnerable and I only saw them as a celebration of us

_**Unaware of their existence, he still plods through the abandoned objects. **_

_**Not seeing them, therefore not realizing they hold answers to questions **__**he does not know to ask. **_


	4. Chapter 4

**RED BALLOONS**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

-----------------------

Later I'm at home and still mildly curious about Starsky. Wonder where he went and why he hadn't checked in? Seems a long time since that disastorous alley chase. But no matter. It's done, over and I'm moving on. Right now I'm just relaxing with my plants. Snipping, talking and pruning at them, they seem to appreciate the care and feeding. I can't think of another thing that eases my mind like these green, living creatures. Of course, thinking of Gillian is a pleasure and I can't wait till it's time to meet up with her. She's gonna make dinner, probably breakfast too! I'm lost in my fantasy when the phone cuts into my daydreaming.

'Hello?' I realized the phone had been ringing a few times before I picked it up. I half expected to hear the dial tone after the caller would understandably have given up. Maybe it was Starsky.

'_Hutch, listen, I have a message for you from Starsky_.' Huggy seemed to be really serious. Unusual for him. No snappy greeting. He was all business.

'Hey, what's up?' I thought about going to The Pits and meeting him for a drink but the suggestion died before it became a complete idea. His formal tone made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Something wasn't right.

'_You need to get to Gillian's right away. Meet Starsky there. You need to be there like 5 minutes ago, brother.'_

"What's the deal Huggy? Wait, is Gillian in trouble? Why's Starsky there? When did...'

_'Hutch, trust me. Just get there as fast as that junky car will take you. No more delays. I can't tell you anything else. But go now'. _It wasn't like Huggy to cut me off. But before I could ask anything else, the line went dead. A thousand questions raced through my head. I amost wondered if it was some kind of joke. Starsky would've called me if ... Why was he at Gillian's? I asked myself all these questions as I grabbed my holster, gun and jacket and raced to the car.

I was lucky tonight. The engine turned over on the first turn of the key. No babying needed.

------

As I pull up to Gillian's apartment building, my heart races even faster. I can almost feel the pounding of blood in my head. Starsky's car is double parked with all the lights flashing. Had Gillian called him instead of me with a problem? I'm really confused but I don't waste anymore time reaching her apartment.

"What's going on?" I stop inside the door as I see Gillian on the floor on the other side of the room.

_**-----**_

_**The meaning of those red balloons is clear. His heart just broke with the popping of the last balloon. He's confused by all the red balloons, laying deflated around him. When had they broken? Why hadn't he heard their startling noise before? The pieces lay in disarray around him, no hope of recovery.**_

_**------**_

Somehow, Starsky gets me out of the apartment as soon as he can. I have no memory other than being held by Starsky and feeling my lover's spirit leave my soul.

But Starsky had the energy to coordinate the units and coroner as they swarmed the apartment. He pushed me out to my car without me even being aware of it.

"Look Hutch, one more thing we gotta do. We can do this for Gillian" Starsky grabbed my face. His hands were warm against my clammy skin. My throat hurt with the drainage of tears. He forced me to look at him. I gathered the courage I needed just by the determined face that stared back at me.

No words needed. Starsky knew that he could count on me. I won't let him down or Gillian down this time. I heard him say Royal Theatre and Grossman and that's all it took. From somewhere the adrenaline kicked in as I drove down to the theatre. I parked my car but looked down at my hands. Alone, I felt the stress reach my hands as they clutched at the steering wheel. They belonged to someone else. My body belonged somewhere other than here. I felt disconnected like I was watching myself go through the motions. But it was a kick in the gut that I felt when I got in the theatre and heard Grossman's voice. Briefly I froze again but knew that I had a job to do. I wasn't gonna let Grossman drag Gillian down to his slimy level. I shut everything out except my partners voice. He directed, I followed. Do this for Gillian.

Finally, Gillian's memory is safe. Grossman has nothing and no one. Not even the twisted relationship with his mother can save him now. He lays at the bottom of the steps, the result of his desperate attempt to take me with him. Never again. He failed both in his desire to cheat Gillian of her dignity and ruin my love for her. Nothing would ever change that.

I watch Grossman writhing in his self induced pain. As I was climbing the steps toward him, all I wanted was revenge. I hated the man. But now as I step back toward the wall for support, all I feel is pity for him. That pity takes me by surprise and I look to Starsky for confirmation that it's all over. Now I just want to go home.

_**Like the deflated balloons, the man is spent. His energy, like the pieces of rubber, are scattered and weak. Alone he is not capable of putting the remnants back together nor is he able to ask for help.**_


	5. Chapter 5

**RED BALLOONS**

**CHAPTER FIVE**

----------------------

It's been a few weeks now since Gillian... died... and tonight, Starsky and I sit in my living room just shooting the breeze. I'm still nursing my first beer and Starsky hasn't even touched his yet. We're talking but I'm restless. I need this closeness, this companionship but there is something missing. I'm not yet ready to feel the truth, to seek the evidence of my time with Gillian.

Starsky's been talking about all sorts of things. I half listen as he tells me about a monster movie he watched the other night. Something about giant sized crickets and a secret Government experiment that resulted in making a whole town go deaf because of the creature's supersonic noise.

Starsky tries so hard to keep my mind off what is obviously in front of us. I really want to be numb and not feel the hurt when I touch the wounds left by Gillian. Oh she never meant to hurt me but I just wish...

"So you see Hutch, the crickets were meant to be shipped to a foreign country as a secret weapon but they wound up getting spilled out of their cages..." Starsky sat forward when he noticed I really wasn't listening. He put his hand out and touched my knee. Actually I was listening. I was listening to the sound of his voice. It was something I could count on, something familiar. I didn't care what the words were. It was the comforting rhythm of his voice.

"Starsky, let me ask you something. Do you think Gillian knew that I loved her? For some reason I couldn't tell her. I really regret that. She enjoyed so much telling me that she loved me."

Starsky sat forward and played with the beer bottle in front of him.

"My god man, the whole world could see how much you loved the woman. I never saw you go all mushy and googly eyed over any other woman like Gillian.

"Googly eyed?" He makes me laugh. It's a sound I hadn't heard in a long time and the very thought of being 'googly eyed', just cracks me up.

"So that's what you'd call it? Okay, that's a new one. But I just wish I'd acted on that when I had the chance. Maybe we could've built a life together?" I smile inwardly but outwardly I shake my head.

I had been plagued lately with seeing signs of her profession long before her death. I guess it's true that hindsight is 20/20. I just didn't want to believe or acknowledge the clues that were there, even though they were vague and at the time seemed insignificant. When we were together, she made me feel like I was the only one in her world. I'd like to think that it was a genuine feeling of completeness that caused her to be so romantic. I want to believe that there was no one else but me.

"Starsky, you think if I'd of known that she was a- a- prostitute..." I can hardly say the word. I can't finish the sentence. My chin falls to my chest as I struggle with the emotion. I can't meet Starsky's eyes even though I can feel their pull. Finally, he reaches over to me and gently touches my cheek. I'm not embarrased as he wipes away the tear that made a path down my face.

Finally I meet his steady gaze and a great rush of air leaves my lungs. It's like I've been holding my breath for weeks.

"Hutch, I don't have the answer to that question. Grossman knew she was restless and wanted out. I think he would have gotten to her anyway. I do know she wanted to start a new life with you. That much was obvious. I'm not saying this to make you hurt more, I just want you to know that her love for you, her feelings, were genuine."

Starsky seems to remember about the beer. He looks at it and takes a long swallow and sets it back on the table. He sits back against the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table. He suddenly grows quiet. Minutes pass before either one of us speaks but Starsky looks so sad. Something in his face makes me fidgety.

"Starsky, I'm done with this. I'm done focusing only on her death. I want to remember the good times. I want to remember how she made me feel. Grossman and his mother are in jail. Their operation is shut down. I don't want to waste anymore time in the past except to remember how much I loved Gillian. That will never change." I got up and paced around the room.

I turned back around and made my way to the couch again. Starsky had been watching me but before he looked away, I caught a look in his eyes that I didn't quite understand. I'd seen it there before but I just don't know how to put in words what I saw. If I ask, he'll just change the subject. But there was something there. It's like he wanted to tell me something else. I pause at a leafy plant and finger the green. Starsky clears his throat in that way he has. When he's nervous he makes this wobbly, drawn out noise that comes from his throat and suddenly I need to get out of there. I need to get away from what that look and what that throaty sound means.

"Hutch, c'mon lets go bowling! We'll pick up Nancy and..."

But I can't stop myself from wanting an answer to that throat clearing. I need to pick at the wound. I need to know why he's changing the subject.

"Hey, you okay Starsk? You seem a million miles away." I cringe inwardly. I really don't want to be doing this but I've gotta know all the same.

He takes a beat too long to answer which tells me more than I care to hear. But he looks away instead and makes that noise deep in his throat again. My own voice sounds too scratchy but I turn my back to him as I make a suggeston.

"Let's go to Huggy's. It's been a long time since I've been to The Pits. I need noise, people... I just need a change of scenery." What I really want is to put space between me and that look I saw on Starsky's face. I'm not ready to know what he wants to tell me. Something tells me I won't like what I hear. So I need the distractions of a busy bar, pinball, pool, anything so I won't have to face what Starsky is wrestling with.

I rush out of my apartment without thinking of anything else. Once at my car, I stand and stare at it, half expecting it to start by itself. The world tilts a little off kilter but I'm forced to be a part of things again when I hear my name.

"Hutch?" His voice is still not right. But I tell myself I'm looking for something that just isn't there. So I put my brave face on and turn around.

"Hey, you okay buddy?" I ask, not really expecting an answer.

"Well, you left without closing up your place or taking your keys, so seems to me I should be asking you that question. But I think you're right. We both need some action as distraction brother!" I smile at Starsky's imitation of Huggy.

Starsky dangles my keys in front of me and as I start to unlock the passenger side, he puts his hand over mine.

"Seems like you're pretty absent minded to be driving so I'll take over from here."

Again, I get the feeling that we're both uncomfortable and Starsky wants to be in a crowded, smokey bar just as much as I do.

The ride to Huggy's is pretty quiet. It's still early but there's enough going on once we get to The Pits that I at least can lose myself for awhile.

_**The pieces of red balloons lay scattered, forgotten about. There is a way to fix them in a perfect world, but nothing is perfect. No one wants to face the daunting task of patching them. But one man has that power in his love for the other. Finding the right tool is the frightening first step.**_


	6. Chapter 6

**RED BALLOONS**

**CHAPTER 6**

------------------

One of the new waitresses came over to our table and shyly took our beer order. Huggy seemed to be taking the younger, needier girls off the streets and providing them with an opportunity to teach them responsibility and pride. He was always helping his neighbors in some way the best he could. He was a good friend.

Starsky and I sat at the table, just watching the action for some time. Finally Huggy made his way to our table and gratefully sank into the seat beside Starsky.

"This has been a mother of an evening. One of the waitresses quit, Diane came in late, my cook had to leave early, man I've got myself running in circles!" He helped himself to a swig of Starsky's beer and dramatically sighed and draped his arms across the back of the seat.

"Staying busy keeps you honest Huggy. You know you love the confusion around here." Starsky slapped Huggy playfully on the face.

Starsky pushed Huggy out of the way and pointed to the men's room. Slowly, Huggy complied while Starsky waited impatiently and he soon weaved in and out of the crowd as he headed to the john.

"So you guys doing okay now?" Huggy helped himself to another swallow of Starsky's beer and he stared at me over the rim of the glass.

I shrugged my shoulders and stretched the kinks out of my neck. The stress lately settled in my neck and shoulders. I needed a long hot shower to work it all out.

"I'm okay Huggy. I miss Gillian but I guess there wasn't anything I really could've done to change the outcome. I'm dealing with that."

"Well, it's good that you've forgiven your partner so easily." I didn't get a chance to comment on that odd statement before Starsky came bouncing back to the table.

"Hey, you hungry Hutch? How about my treat? Huggy, my man, bring us two specials and two more beers! Just put it on my tab!" Starsky stretched his arms out to the side as if he was offering me a kingdom of choices.

"Now hold on Starsky. You effectively made Huggy forget what we were talking about." Huggy suddenly looked embarrased and tried to ignore what I'd just reminded him about. But Starsky didn't want to miss out on anything so he unknowingly pushed Huggy to fill him in.

"Well, I just wondered how Hutch was doing since Gillian's death. You guys seem to have patched things up so..."

"Huggy, if you're the cook, you better get started on our specials, don't ya think?" Starsky interrupted Huggy's sentence and he pushed him out of the seat.

"Starsky what's wrong with you? Just let Huggy alone will ya? I haven't seen him in weeks and you're trying to get rid of him." I couldn't understand what was so all fired important that Starsky needed his food so quick. Starsky was always hungry but right now I just craved normal conversation.

"As I was saying gentleman, I never seen two people forgive and forget so easily. Boy Hutch you're a bigger man than me if you can understand why Starsky interfered with your girl..."

"Huggy, shut up will ya?" For some reason Starsky changed his mind and wanted Huggy to quit talking. The two of them looked at each other and suddenly, Huggy actually blushed. That's hard to see in a dim room on a dark face.

"Just a damn minute boys. What the hell are you talking about Huggy? Starsky? What exactly is this all about?" I suddenly didn't like where this conversation was headed. The immediate reaction I had after finding Gillian dead in her apartment came back to me. Starsky had just called Gillian a hooker and I'd been so mad and so full of emotion that I hit him as hard as I could. Now I felt my hand clench in a fist, itching for a repeat.

"Calm down Hutch and listen to me will ya? Just remember that what I did, I did to protect you. Give me a chance to explain!" I watched the fear pass over Starsky's face but then it was replaced with pity. I'd be damned if I'd take one more minute of anybody's pity.

"Calm down? Okay just go ahead and explain what you did to protect me. And why did you think I needed protecting?" I was getting really pissed now. Starsky has this habit of thinking he knows what's best for me but I am a grown man, capable of making my own way in this world. But I'd listen because I was back to that need to pick at my wounds again. Just what would I find under those scabs?

"Easy there Blondie. We were just trying to help you. We just wanted to find out all we could before we told you about it. We wanted to know the facts." Huggy was in on this too?

They both are sitting there with such smug looks on their faces. How dare they make decisions that they knew would ultimately affect my relationship with the woman I loved.

"Oh shit, you mean you knew this too? The whole of Bay City knew my business but me? So what's the word on the street Huggy? The word is that the blond cop is an easy target? He's too dumb to figure out that his girlfriend is a hooker? What else can you tell me,--- snitch!"

I pointedly hurt Huggy with that name. But right about now, I didn't think of either one of the men in front of me as a friend.

"Hutch, stop it would ya? If you'd just listen to me you'd see I ..." Starsky stopped in mid sentence as if he wanted to monitor his words.

"Hutch, I found out by accident that Gillian worked for Grossman. But I didn't want to assume anything until I knew for sure."

A flash of what life could have been with Gillian had I known all this caused me to gulp in a great breath of air. I felt so betrayed at that moment and couldn't see past the anger that had overtaken me. That anger was so painful and all I could do was stare at the dark haired man across the table from me. Huggy cleared his throat but Starsky stopped him with a look, as if he knew what Huggy wanted to say.

Starsky reached out to me but the thought of his hand on my arm turned my stomach. I had to get away from these two.

I slapped his arm away and at the same time I connected with the glass of beer in front of Starsky. The mug skidded off the table and landed on the floor. The glass broke in tiny pieces and the beer flowed across the floor.

I stood up and faced the two men still sitting. They just stared at me but now they had a genuine look of hurt in their eyes. I couldn't keep the anger from bubbling out any longer but I didn't want either one of them to see me crumble. Knowing I'd been betrayed by the two people I cared about more than anything, was just too much.

I turned quickly and in as few steps as possible, made long strides out to the back of the bar. I heard Huggy calling after me but as I stood in front of the Torino, the escape I needed, suddenly didn't seem as easy. I dug into my jeans for my keys but realized I didn't have my car. I separated the keys till I found the extra Torino key I'd had. It almost burned my fingers but all I wanted at this point was to get away.

My hands shook as I unlocked the door and slid behind the wheel. The key turned and the engine responded. I backed out of the alley without thinking of where I was going. Before I turned into the main street I saw Starsky standing by the kitchen door. I watched as he kicked the nearest garbage can. It seemed fitting that the kick sent the can sideways, spilling it's contents out around Starsky's feet.

"Fuck this shit" I hissed back at Starsky as he continued kicking at the garbage around him. The tires squealed as I sped out of the alley.

_**The instructions for patching the deflated balloons are there for the person willing to take on the responsibility. All that's required is a willing recipient.**_


	7. Chapter 7

**RED BALLOONS**

**CHAPTER 7**

---------------

I flipped the police radio off and cranked up the car's radio until I found something that was only noise. I turned it up loud and rolled the window down. It was late and there wasn't much traffic. With the window down, the late night heat blew my hair off my face but it came back to land in my eyes.

I really had no clue as to where I was headed. I didn't want to go home because I knew Starsky would end up there and he'd wait until I eventually returned.

I pushed the car to the limit. I followed the highway and as I looked, I had the car running past 90mph. I was on a winding part of the road but I barely touched the brakes. I was still furious but now I was also scared. I was scared of my reaction and the possibility of hurting myself or other drivers. I slowed and decided to follow the less traveled road and head to the beach. The road I chose thankfully was deserted so again I pushed the car up to 90mph. It felt good to lose myself in the speed and power which surrounded me.

I tried to push the thought of Starsky's indignant reprimand out of my head but I laughed even through my anger at him. If he knew I'd pushed his car so hard, he'd definately take offense. According to him, he was the only driver alive who understood this striped tomato.

But I realized this road would take me back to my apartment. I wasn't ready yet for real life or Starsky so I stopped at the first open lot that led to the beach.

Okay I thought, a walk on the beach with just me for company. Me, Myself and I for company. It was a little too crowded in my world right then and there were way too many voices other than mine competing to be heard.

I eventually got out of the car and slammed the door shut. I thought about this car and suddenly I realized that even though I had left Starsky physically behind, I could never really be free from his presence. But the longer I stood there, looking out at the silver moon streaked water, I knew in my heart what Starsky and Huggy tried to tell me. It wouldn't matter how far I traveled or how fast I got there, the truth wouldn't change. Because they loved me, particularly Starsky, they wanted to protect me and find a way to keep me from getting hurt.

I really wanted to remain angry. I felt I had every right to be pissed at both Starsky and Huggy. I slammed my fist into the hood of the car but even that brought me no satisfaction. I took a few steps toward the ocean but suddenly, dropped to my knees in the sand. I had no anger left in me. There was nothing to keep that anger alive any longer. The anger had nothing to feed off of because I knew that I was indeed fortunate to have two friends who cared so much that their focus had been only to help me. I understood that Starsky probably had plenty of opportunities to tell me about Gillian. I'm sure he wanted to but didn't know when the right time or where the right place would be to tell me that my girlfriend was a high priced call girl. Would I have listened even if he'd taken the plunge to tell me? Would my reaction have been any different than in that apartment?

Gillian and I had lived for the moment in a bubble of love that kept us together and I was convinced that our love would be enough to keep us from harm. She saw those balloons as vulnerable and I only saw them as a celebration of us

I knew I had to get back and face the truth that Starsky wanted to shield me from. His words enveloped me as I recalled the terrible scene in her apartment. She was already dead and I had punched my best friend for telling me something I didn't want to hear. But he also told me that she wanted to give up her lavish lifestyle so she could be with me. She loved me and Starsky was trying to tell me he loved me as well. Now I needed to hear those words again.

--------

I of course made my way back to my apartment. Once I faced my anger for what it was, I was ready to move on. I wasn't angry so much as I was overwhelmed to realize that Starsky had carried his burden around a long time and he most likely wanted to tell me many times but resisted until he could provide all the facts. Starsky is like that. He never jumps to conclusions but digs for clues and answers before making a judgement. That's why he's a good detective. The obvious isn't always the whole story. After all these years, after everything he's seen as a cop and everything he's experienced in his life, he still wants to believe the best of situations and sometimes his involvment gets to him deep in his soul.

I found my extra key above the door to my apartment. As I opened the door I was not surprised to find Starsky sprawled out on my couch. I tried to be quiet but secretly I wanted Starsky to know I was home. I didn't have to wait long.

Starsky didn't get up right away but his body jerked with the knowledge of another presence in the room. There's that connection thing again. Even with his eyes closed, he sensed it was me. No immediate danger, just the remnants of a blond typhoon who at last touch down, had left a lot to pick up after.

I waited, expecting a huge smile and open arms to greet me. But instead, Starsky flew past me to the front window. So that's how I rate. I stormed out of Huggy's in a dark rage, stole his car and was gone for hours and the first thing he thinks about is his damn car? I couldn't hold back the laugh as I watched Starsky practically hang out the window to quickly inspect the condition of his monster of a car.

"So you were that worried about me huh? But thanks for asking. I'm fine and hopefully you didn't stay up half the night worrying about me!" I couldn't resist being sarcastic because I knew that would grab Starsky's attention more than if I hadn't said anything.

"What? Huh? Oh yeah, glad to see you back in one piece. Excuse me while I go check out my car a little closer." Starsky was so distracted with worry about his car that I began to think I was wrong. Maybe he really was mad at me for stealing it?

I didn't follow him and I didn't let my guilt over taking the car scratch me either. I was pretty sure Starsky wasn't yet ready to face me. He was probably still dealing with his own guilt over not telling me about Gillian and I know for certain he would feel even worse that he caused me pain. Starsky is a funny guy. He has no inhibitions about his emotions but when he's forced to account for them, such as doing something to protect me and then getting caught, it hits him hard. It's like he wants somehow to remain anonymous rather than take credit for the actual act of kindness.

Rather than sit and wait for him, I headed to the kitchen to fill my watering can. I added a bit of plant food and began to pamper my green friends. I heard the door open and close behind me but continued with my activity. I deliberatly made my way to the couch and watered the fern there. Starsky sat on the couch, watching me. I set the can down on the floor and just stared back.

"I'm sorry", we both said at the same time. Also at the same time, we finally closed the space between us and reached for the other.

This hug held so much that neither one of us at that moment had the words for.

We stepped apart but continued the hold with our eyes. It's incredible to me that for such a tough guy, Starsky's emotions show so easily in his eyes.

"You're a lucky bastard that I didn't call in a report on a stolen car, buddy!" Starsky seemed to want to respond to the last few hours with humor but again, it's his way of working up to what he really wants to tell me.

"Hey, the car works pretty well! It certainly likes the open road!" So I'd stall for time too. The past few hours were hard for both of us but I knew that we'd hammer everything out and there would be no lasting hard feelings.

"Hutch, I really am sorry that I didn't tell you right away about Gillian. It's just that when I found her in the back of that massage parlor, I..." His voice dropped off and he turned away from me.

I grabbed his shoulder and turned him back around. I wanted to make sure he saw the sincerity on my face as I spoke to him.

"You know Starsk, I don't think it would have made a bit of difference in the outcome of her life. I also would have done the exact same thing. I wouldn't have told you anything that I suspected until I knew for sure that what I'd seen was the truth and not just a misunderstanding. You and Huggy did what you guys do best. You gather facts with only the outcome as your goal. You didn't do it out of spite or with malice."

As Starsky had done earlier, after this speech, I turned away from him mainly because I felt the tears well up again and just didn't want to acknowledge that it still hurt. I didn't want Starsky to get the wrong idea.

I didn't have to worry. But Starsky let me have my space as he said his peace.

"Hutch, I'd never do anything to keep you in the dark about something that would make you hate the woman you loved and I sure as hell would never do anything on purpose to ruin our friendship. I liked Gillian for who she was. Mostly, though I liked her because she brought you such joy. You don't allow yourself to be happy about much but you were so bitten by her that all I really wanted was to find a reason for everything I suspected not to be true."

Starsky sighed heavily as he finished. Now I knew for certain what Starsky had tried to tell me hours ago. I could have saved us both needless worry and confusion if I would have just swallowed my pride and believed in Starsky. But now that it was all in the open, both of us could heal. I could let my hurt turn into fond memories and be grateful again for the unconditional friendship Starsky offered. I also owed Huggy an apology.

Starsky cleared his throat in that way he has. You can tell a lot by that unconscious sound that he's ready to move on but he's not exactly sure how. But when it doubt, do it the Starsky way.

"Hey buddy, you must be starving by now! Go take a shower, then we'll grab breakfast and get to work early for a change. Dobey won't have a thing to bitch at us about today! Then when we're done for the day we can go bowling again. Or we can just come back here for pizza and beer or hang out at Huggy's... Whatever you want!"

I patted Starsky on the back as I made my way to the bathroom. I could tell I was in for a long period of babysitting but secretly, I looked forward to it!

----------

_**The red balloons take on other colors, another dimension. Their original existence symbolized deflated happiness. Now, they are lifting and floating again. The balloons are a rainbow of color. They hold a promise of friendship and are filled with joy. **_


	8. Chapter 8

**RED BALLOONS**

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

-----------------

So we did end up bowling a few times. Nancy and Starsky even set me up to meet a new woman. She had to be a friend of Nancy's but when I called Starsky on it, he didn't own up to the fact that he was still trying to keep me occupied.

But I admit that I sat there thinking of Gillian and missing her. I swear I could hear her laughter at something Starsky just said. I even felt her hand on my face. Those balloons she talked about had all burst, just like she knew they would. But because of Starsky, I knew just how that memory could be fixed. I didn't really have my mind on the game that night and when I 'accidentally' found the woman in need of bowling lessons, I just let myself have fun. Good old Starsky knows that sometimes you just need something light and fluffy instead of heavy and sad. But an idea began to form in my mind and it was a way to let my memories have their place and would provide me with the opportunity to pay tribute to Gillian's memory.

----------------

**EPILOGUE:**

A week went by and I managed to avoid bowling again. Now, we were chained to our desks completing a demanding pile of backlogged reports. Captain Dobey made it very clear that he wouldn't tolerate anymore excuses. So I convinced my partner that we'd better do as we were told this time. Not even Starsky's innocent act could work all the time.

Just before our shift ended, I told Starsky I had something to do. We had spent most of the day doing paper work so we talked mostly about the cases and never did make plans for the weekend. But now it was the end of a tiring day with the prospect of two days off in a row. I got up but didn't offer an explanation about my plans. I reached the exit and as I turned to wave goodbye to everyone, I saw in Starsky's face something that told me he somehow knew what I was thinking. I hadn't mentioned Gillian in a week but I could tell that now he knew I had her on my mind. That's okay... I could still think about her and know that our love was real and also that Starsky cared enough to let me have space when I needed it.

I got to my car, drove to the store and made my way back out to my car. It was a little strange driving with such things taking up space in my back seat but I loved the thought of how they would help me say goodbye to the woman I still missed.

I drove to my favorite part of the beach and got out with my featherweight memory makers.

I walked along the shore line for awhile. I didn't try to stop whatever memory or thought came to me. I enjoyed the breeze and smell of the ocean. I knew that Gillian was never far from me but now those memories didn't hurt. I just felt proud to have known her and to have been loved by her.

I finally turned back around and was surprised at the distance I'd come. I had not been paying attention to where my feet took me, only aware of where my mind sent me.

I stopped and turned toward the water. The waves gently reached the shore. The seagulls overhead called out their greetings. Some even dipped into the water to catch an early afternoon snack. Further up, back the way I had come, I saw two kites flying out over the sand. I looked up at my offering and decided that those kites didn't have the same kind of meaning for me as what I held in my hands. They were tethered and stationary but what I was about to do would be airborne and free, just like Gillian.

"Gillian I loved you with all my heart. I hope you knew that. I hope you could see it in my smile, feel it in my touch. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but believe it or not you've helped me more than you could have imagined. But you were wrong about those balloons. They did break but I found away to patch them and make them whole and float again. I patched them with Starsky's help and filled them with my love for you. I'm sending all that back to you. I hope you'll be able to see them. I love you."

Gillian's legacy was that I could indeed love and be loved. It is not possible to go through life in a bubble surrounding those we love. Part of life is learning to deal with each balloon that breaks and listening to the message as the air fizzles out. But you can be lucky enough to have people in your life who are there to see those balloons start to deflate and try their best to keep them air borne.

I held in my hands 6 balloons. Four of them were red. The other two were yellow and purple. At one time she told of a dream she'd had that compared our love to a room full of balloons. She was sure that our bubble of happiness wouldn't last but I knew better. I had promised her that nothing would happen to those balloons. This was my way of making that promise come true.

I released them and watched as the air took them higher and away from me. But one of those balloons seemed to stop and turn back toward me. It bobbed around my face before it made it's own path out over the water. Eventually the breeze caught it and it grew smaller and smaller until I wasn't sure I could see any of them anymore. I stood there, unaware of the passing of time. Suddenly I knew I wasn't alone. There were other people on the beach. Lovers walking, holding hands. Children chasing the waves and squealing as the waves lapped at their feet. But none of them caught my attention like the person I saw as I turned around.

Starsky stood off by himself. He stared out toward the water and as I saw him there, wondered how long he'd been there. But I already knew the answer. Starsky would always be there. Never far behind, but usually close enough to offer whatever he thought I needed. Space enough not to crowd but that space was never empty. Just like the balloons, he was filled with answers, hope and trust. All I needed to do was... receive.

He let me have my memories of Gillian. He would always be there to hear my dreams of her.

----------------

Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon

Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon

We could float among the stars together, you and I

For we can fly we can fly Up, up and away

My beautiful, my beautiful balloon The world's a

nicer place in my beautiful balloon It wears a

nicer face in my beautiful balloon We can sing a

song and sail along the silver sky For we can fly we can fly

Up, up and away My beautiful, my beautiful balloon

Suspended under a twilight canopy We'll search the clouds for a star to guide us

If by some chance you find yourself loving me We'll find a cloud to hide us

We'll keep the moon beside us Love is waiting there in my beautiful balloon

Way up in the air in my beautiful balloon

If you'll hold my hand we'll

chase your dream across the sky

For we can fly we can fly

Up, up and away My beautiful,

my beautiful balloon Balloon...

Up, up, and away...

_Song and words by The Fifth Dimension._


End file.
